There are now literally millions of people trying and finding success with online dating. However, there are more that don't have success and just feel rejected and alone. So before you jump in, it's worth taking some time to improve your chances.
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Oh, you didn't think you would be able to do this without a picture at all, did you?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Tut, tut, tut.
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
In order to come across as honest, you need to support what you are saying with as much evidence as possible. Your photo is one of the strongest supports you can give, because it is the least manipulable. (Yes, you can Photoshop it, but that is way harder than just typing 'I'm super sexy'. Think about it.) So you need a photo - well, actually a few.
So just to reinforce, you need photos, and you need to know what they are saying. If you put up a photo that you have clearly taken yourself, then it is going to be read as saying you have no friends. Sad, but true.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Me with All My Mates
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. The Ex Photo
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
So you think you can get around the whole being judged on your looks thing by a comic ugly shot, huh? The sad truth is that whichever is the worst photo of you online is what everyone is going to assume you look like most of the time. Also, it makes you look like you are insecure so hiding behind humor. This is not attractive. You always want to appear confident.
5. The Headless Horseman
At no point in your profile photos, even if you upload 100 of them, should you have a shot of your body without your head. It is disturbing, to begin with. Even if you have a great body and it is part of your branding to show it off, you can still zoom out that extra little bit to put your head in there. If you can objectify your own body, it suggests you are even worse at objectifying other people. It also completely undermines any suggestion that you are looking for a serious relationship.
6. Outdated Photos
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
No. Not even if your profile message is 'likes a good time'. You are not attractive when you are drunk. No one is. That's pretty much all I've got to say on this.
9. Where Are You Photos
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
Your picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Oh, you didn't think you would be able to do this without a picture at all, did you?
Now also put up your hand if you hoped you could use a selfie from your phone or an old photo with other people in it?
Tut, tut, tut.
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
In order to come across as honest, you need to support what you are saying with as much evidence as possible. Your photo is one of the strongest supports you can give, because it is the least manipulable. (Yes, you can Photoshop it, but that is way harder than just typing 'I'm super sexy'. Think about it.) So you need a photo - well, actually a few.
So just to reinforce, you need photos, and you need to know what they are saying. If you put up a photo that you have clearly taken yourself, then it is going to be read as saying you have no friends. Sad, but true.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Me with All My Mates
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. The Ex Photo
I assume the logic is that you are trying to prove you can pull hot girls. This is slightly undermined by the fact that you are on an internet dating site. Further, users will judge the girl in the photo (harshly, it's human nature) and then assume that is your type. Even if the girl in the photo is an exact representation of your ideal girl, after she has gone through this filter you will find no other girl wanting to own up to being like her. Therefore, every girl viewing it will assume you are looking for someone else. The only acceptable woman ever would be your grandmother. Your mother makes you look like a mama's boy. Having a child in your photo is okay if it is yours and you want to get across clearly that you have children and are a loving parent. If you want to get across that you are great with children, but don't have any of your own, then put a niece or nephew in one of your other photos, not your primary one, and clearly state it's not yours.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
So you think you can get around the whole being judged on your looks thing by a comic ugly shot, huh? The sad truth is that whichever is the worst photo of you online is what everyone is going to assume you look like most of the time. Also, it makes you look like you are insecure so hiding behind humor. This is not attractive. You always want to appear confident.
5. The Headless Horseman
At no point in your profile photos, even if you upload 100 of them, should you have a shot of your body without your head. It is disturbing, to begin with. Even if you have a great body and it is part of your branding to show it off, you can still zoom out that extra little bit to put your head in there. If you can objectify your own body, it suggests you are even worse at objectifying other people. It also completely undermines any suggestion that you are looking for a serious relationship.
6. Outdated Photos
All of your photos need to be reasonably up to date, with the primary photo being taken in the last few months. You look great as you are, and have matured well, so be confident. It is usually pretty obvious if someone hasn't put up a recent photo, because no 40 year old actually looks like that. But even if you don't get found out now, you are just leading to in person rejection - not because you're bad looking, but because you are not what they expected. Now you look older and like a liar, or just seriously insecure, which is not attractive either. Even though a lot of people do feel that an out-dated photo is still legitimate, if you are prepared to put some time in now, you can definitely take an even better photo. Recreate your favorite shot if that makes you feel better, but add in some extra clues to your achievements since then.
7. My Professional Glamor Shot
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
No. Not even if your profile message is 'likes a good time'. You are not attractive when you are drunk. No one is. That's pretty much all I've got to say on this.
9. Where Are You Photos
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
About the Author:
For more practical advice on creating effective online dating profiles, see Buffy Greentree's new book, The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon.
No comments:
Post a Comment